If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
how drunk are you?
Several
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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