I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
