i permit you to call me
I met the friendliest cop last night
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
And then my night got REAL pukey
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
