I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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