i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
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