i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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