walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
