This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Randomize
