Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize