Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
