i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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