I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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