Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
