idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
