with your own penis?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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