Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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