There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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