seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
