I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
