omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Sober January is a disaster.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
