I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
