Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
