I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
