Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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