I am in a vortex of obligation.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
