i wish starbucks made bloody marys
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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