Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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