have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize