i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
