I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
