We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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