I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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