omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
