I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
