theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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