she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
