Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
