The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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