He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he thought i was a dude.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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