can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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