I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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