If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
