The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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