seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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