Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
