Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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