So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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