I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
