Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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