woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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