We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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