I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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