Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
