You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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