I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
