I should be sponsored by Trojan
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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