he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
