im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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