Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
