I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
