I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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